Fri, 03 Jan 2025 07:39:40 +0000WeeblyWed, 20 Nov 2024 20:49:15 GMThttp://emilymccoycounselling.co.uk/emilymccoysharesblog/today-i-feel-happy-in-my-skin​Do you feel truly happy in your skin?

Maybe you never feel that way.

Maybe you think you do, but you’re not sure…perhaps you are wondering if the times you have felt happy in your skin are the times when you are valued in the eyes of others rather than yourself.

Perhaps you do feel this sometimes – what is it about these moments? Are you alone or with others? What brings that special feeling to you?

Or perhaps you usually do feel at home in your own body and skin.

I posted the picture of me on Instagram because I really felt happy in myself that day. I was well-slept, at work – feeling a sense of energy and purpose, I also loved what I was wearing – things I probably wouldn’t have worn even a few years ago but which bring me such a simple pleasure to put on now. Joyful colours. It was a moment but I wanted to capture it.

That Friday morning was notable to me because for a long time in my life, I never felt like this. I was always viewing myself from the outside; picking apart my body and face, always through the lens of what was not good enough or what could be improved. The gaze of others was a measure of me; positively or negatively or perhaps even worse, no gaze at all – without value, not even registering. But on this Friday morning at work, I felt good inside myself. The word which fits this experience for me is “aligned” – there was no war going on inside me, no part being observed and judged. I felt as one. Just me (and me). And it felt good.

I know that this sense of self-monitoring and criticism is something that so many people struggle with and self-worth and feelings of shame around body, are common themes in therapy and with clients I work with. There are so many reasons why this can happen (sexual trauma, bullying, racism, cultural stereotypes, dysphoria…) but today I want to talk about being split from ourselves and when we start to “other” ourselves.

When did we first feel separated from our bodies? When did we first observe ourselves and judge our own bodies lacking or less than?

I wrote the piece which follows a while back (last Spring maybe) when I was reading and completing the writing exercises in Rupi Kaur’s book, “Healing Through Words.” It describes the first time I realised that women’s bodies were objects to be looked at and how, as a child of perhaps six years old, I began to feel uncomfortable in my skin for the first time. I offer it here to you – so you can consider when you first felt separated in yourself. And, perhaps, to see the joy of standing in your own skin.

The writing exercise was to visit your younger self – to free write but to include some random words provided in the book including: lion, laugh, fork, cloud…And to begin with the sentence:

If I could visit my younger self I would go back to the day when…

…I was playing in my bedroom and was going through a pile of old magazines and newspapers, cutting out pictures to make a collage or to go in a scrapbook. Flicking through a newspaper I came to the back pages and there I saw adverts for sex lines. There were pictures of women with their breasts bare. If I could go back, I’d tell that child me to laugh. To laugh away the sick and uneasy feeling which rolled over me. I’d tickle her, tell her it was silly and together we would make light of things and help the discomfort in her body fade away.

If I had laughed, maybe I wouldn’t have felt the split. The split which started that day and divided the me of inside (the real me) with the me on the outside - the part open to be viewed and judged by others. How lovely to laugh it off and stay feeling joined up – solid, shiny and strong in myself. A shiny gem that I owned; just me. No eyes needed to validate my worth. So much pain and vulnerability grew from that split and now I long to feel like a lion inside – powerful and prowling in my life – not small or lean or small or pretty, not the ways I have been taught. But muscular proudness; taking up my space with no fear.
Animals aren’t checking for back fat. Lions don’t give a shit.

Some days it hurts to be in my head – what I mean is, I have, through my life as a girl, a teen, a young woman and now aged a middle-aged woman had thoughts about myself which hurt me. It’s been easy to list the ways I am disgusting or not good enough. My mind patrols the zones of my body, my thoughts viciously stab at what is no good.
I’m lucky. It has changed. And these bad days come less and less now but they do still come. And it’s exhausting working on self-acceptance.

I’d like to be away on a cloud, how lovely! Drifting away to calm and blue. Not having to keep arriving at the same familiar fork in the road – left turn; continuing to believe in my unworthiness, letting the train of meanness just keep chugging. Or turning right, and (somehow this is actually harder) stopping the venom and practising the thought, “I ok just as I am. I am beautiful and worthy being me.”

That’s why I would go back and make little me laugh. To save us both from pain of the split.]]>Sun, 28 Jul 2024 17:39:10 GMThttp://emilymccoycounselling.co.uk/emilymccoysharesblog/finding-your-way-in-uncertainty​In my training there was a module on anxiety (no surprises on a counselling course). We were discussing causes of anxiety and my tutor wrote “uncertainty/the unknown” on the whiteboard. I remember it has a total moment of recognition – a proper, “aaaaaaah, of course” lightbulb moment. I hadn’t registered how often in my life I had felt stress and distress because of feeling uncertain. But then it made sense.
 
For many people experiencing uncertainty will result in their body triggering a stress response. Our bodies literally translate it as a threat and prompt production of adrenaline and cortisol – the instigators of the fight/flight/freeze pattern.
 
But we logically know that the unknown isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It is also a common part of life. So how we can we respond and take care of ourselves when we feel lost in a time of change.
 
Reframing how we talk about our lives to ourselves is important. Even acknowledging that, despite what our feelings tell us, the truth is we can’t predict the outcome. And if we can’t find our next step then we also cannot know for certain that how things will unfold or where this time will ultimately lead.
 
Even in the darkest times we might be able to hold a small space in our thoughts, acknowledging that we cannot predict the future. In times of great churn or turmoil, to remember this in even a small way can offer the hope we need to keep holding on.
 
Here are  my 10 ideas for living alongside uncertainty:

1. Acknowledge your anxiety and worries in this time -know it is human and part of your biology or physiology to have this going on, it is normal
2. Remember that our first reactions and automatic thoughts aren’t always true or the whole picture (more on this in a future post)
3. Spend some time thinking about how this time could unfold in a way that is more positive or more safe for you or even just remember, “I am not a fortune teller and I can’t know how this will go or where it will take me.”
4. Imagine or visualise you in a future time, perhaps one, two or more years from now looking back at this time – can you imagine yourself in a different place, a good place in your life and how this time was a step to get there
5. Is there a need for change right now? Can you see that what is uncertain is going to be important to getting you to where you need to be?
6. Notice the things which are certain in your life – your daily routine, work, home, friends, pets, walk to the tube or bus, the radio station you listen to on your commute, your bed, the cereal you eat each morning…make a list of all that is staying the same and all the consistency in your life.
7. Explore a safety and grounding meditation on YouTube
8. Use yoga postures like, Child’s Pose or Mountain Pose to work with your body to feel supported, safe and strong
9. Breath deeply into your stomach, breath out in a long slow exhale, affirm “I am safe. I am here. I will come through.”
10. Talk – always talk; to a friend or trusted family member. Or to yourself – write out your worries and then speak back to yourself using the same words you would offer to a friend.

]]>Sat, 27 Jul 2024 12:31:48 GMThttp://emilymccoycounselling.co.uk/emilymccoysharesblog/another-therapy-account-on-instaMaybe we don't need another therapy account on Instagram. But we do need a revolution in wellbeing.

Healing people feel better about themselves, they make healthier choices and lead healthier lives. They have more empathy for others,  create respectful boundaries and drive positive change in their families, relationships, communities and workplaces. We live in a messed up world – change is desperately needed. The more people healing out there, the better the world will be. Healing is a multiplier for change in our world.

If something has helped someone in my sessions then getting it out there to more people matters. Therapy is expensive, in the UK free counselling is rare and many private counsellors are booked up. Information here is authentic, it’s come from the people I work with and my own life and healing.

Everyday I hear from people in emotional and mental pain. They are telling me that we have created a world where it is hard to be well – we have more choice, more comfort and more stuff and more information than ever. Yet common coping strategies and ways of living are killing us - smoking, poor diet, physical inactivity and harmful alcohol use are the leading risk factors of preventable ill health and mortality in the UK. We know more about mental health and how to live well than ever before. So why has there been a clear increase in the number of men and the number of people under 25 taking their own life since 2018? Despite pushes for diversity and inclusion “being different” (e.g. LGBTQ or Black) is one of the leading risk factors for mental health problems and suicide risk in UK.

Our unhappiness drives more misery – aggression and judgement, toxic relationships, abusive family patterns and beliefs and expectations across society of who we should be which feel impossible to achieve or sustain.

We try to consume our unhappiness away with stuff (and we all do it – me included). On bad days we might buy a cheap top which has been produced in China. After another awful day at work we might book a flight somewhere that promises sun and relaxation. Tired of feeling vulnerable to judgement or struggling with feelings of being "less than"? We might find ourselves restricting food, or binging or working out endlessly or looking at diet pills, all in the hope that we will be wanted or feel safe from criticism . If we feel insecure we might try to hide behind signifiers or symbols of success a new phone, trainers, a better car, a promotion. We have more than any past generation but we are unhappier than ever and in the process we are depleting natural resources and driving climate change. Our culture, economy, definitions of success and personal goals seem to keep us locked in to this world. We need to find a new way.

And that is why I am here. I believe we can do better. I know we can – from my own experience of healing, therapy and growth.  And from the privilege of working since 2013, with young people and adults who have shown me  that we can live more empathically, respectfully and authentically. We have to relearn what it means to live well. Everything I write here or post on Instagram will be towards this goal. This is the part I can play in a wellbeing revolution. And it is the part we call all play.

​Individual healing = collective wellbeing.
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